Everybody Wants to Be Relationship Goals…
Ever wanted to spend time with BAE only to discover BAE wants to go hang with the homies for the third weekend in a row? You start to open your mouth in protest only to be shut down by your own inner thoughts, “She did pull an all nighter at work, BAE deserves” or “He took the trash out last week, another night with the fellas won’t hurt”. Let us take a wonderfully long pause.
Verbalizing a desire for intimacy with our partners is not a nagging trait. We have a basic human right to experience good sex and close human connections.
Consistently placing another person’s desires before our own is a trauma response known as fawning. Fawning is the act of people pleasing to avoid or diffuse conflict.
The failure to speak up for what we want or desire for the sake of keeping the peace is rooted in a lack of self-love. If we have experienced a traumatic event, we think we do not deserve to ask for what we want. We don’t want to rock the boat or make someone else feel uncomfortable. It does not help that the world has convinced us we should be grateful for at least having a partner. We’ve seen the stats for the number of unmarried black women. Regardless of how skewed the numbers are, the thought of being alone is enough for many of us to put up and shut up. Understandable because it is human nature to desire companionship as we are wired to crave human connection.
if you are reading this a year into the pandemic and have learned anything it is life is too short and settling for mediocre just won’t do. We are saying no to lackluster sex and love life. There is hope for receiving a fulfilling relationship with our current partner(s). Asking more from ourselves and our partners is a step towards a journey of wellness. We deserve to be sexually satisfied and emotionally secure within our relationships.
Your journey to relationship goals starts with getting in touch with your personal healing journey. This is important because if you do not know what you need to feel emotionally secure, then how would your current and future partners know? Mind reading partners are few and far in between and no one else has walked in your shoes or experienced the events that make you the individual you are today. If you find it difficult talking to your partner about your needs, you are not alone. Many of us have grown up in an environment where a securely attached relationship did not exist. We often lack the skills to develop and grow within our relationships.
Fortunately, a trained relationship therapist could help. A trained therapist should be able to identify the attachment and communication patterns present in the relationship and identify both strengths and weaknesses. A skilled therapist also knows a dysfunctional relationship is not always doomed. If the people involved in the relationship are willing to make efforts to strengthen intimate attachment which involves trust, respect, empathy, acceptance, and reciprocity (Adapted from Alison Maxon and Sharon Roszia’s Seven Core Issues of Adoption and Permanency).
I want to add reciprocity in the form of sexual pleasure should not be ignored. While the therapeutic relationship is important when seeking out a therapist, it is highly important your therapist has the proper training if there is to be measurable progress. I would recommend finding a therapist trained in the Developmental Model of Couples Therapy or Emotionally Focus Therapy. Seek out a trained therapist and begin the journey towards healing, true intimacy, better sex, and meeting your personal relationship goals.