How Does Imposter Syndrome Show Up in My Relationship?

Ever feel like you are not doing enough to satisfy your mate?

I am not talking about skipping date night and feeling guilty about it the next day. I’m talking about questioning how someone so amazing could choose someone like you. Or constantly thinking if you are showing up enough to fulfill your partner’s needs. You cannot be everything to everybody. If you grew up with the ideal that your best effort should be no less than perfect (an impossible task as the goal post continues to move), you may have carried this false narrative into your adult relationships. Howis this significant for people of color? I know as a Black child my family would frequently tell me I had to be twice as good in order to get half the recognition or accomplishment as my white counterparts. So I carried this uneasy feeling of having to strive for nothing short of perfection to have a fighting chance for a decent outcome. Did you experience similar family of origin story? How does striving for an impossible outcome manifest in your ability to feel competent or valued as good enough?

What is imposter syndrome?

According to Dr. Emee Vida Estacio, Imposter Syndrome is a feeling of incompetence, inadequacy, or self-doubt that you cannot shake. This is despite the evidence that would say otherwise. Like you are a successful entrepreneur, a published author, or even have been awarded employee of the month at your job. You may feel like your success is a fluke or you did not work hard enough to achieve the recognition from others.

Imposter Syndrome In Your Relationship

Imposter Syndrome in your relationship can look like feeling as if you cannot get it right. “It” being connection. Ironically the anxiety from feeling inadequate is the precipice to behaviors that create disconnect. Maybe you feel as if you do not deserve such an amazing partner and often question if the relationship is built on falsehoods. How could someone possible love you? I will tell you how they could. They find you to be amazing. But just my words alone will not help you decrease the wave of uncertainty Imposter Syndrome brings. There is work to be done.

Let’s figure out how Imposter Syndrome may show up in your daily life.

How can it show up?

Some people are unable to be satisfied with the outcome of their tasks and cannot accept anything short of perfection. Others are unable to take time to rest. This can be seen as the superwoman or superman syndrome. There are many topics on Black women suffering from the Superwoman syndrome. This syndrome can lead to burnout and further mental health concerns if neglected. So let’s take the Superwoman syndrome and see how it manifests in a relationship. A person may find they are trying to be therapist, lover, friend, accountant, parent, and more in their relationship. They think meeting the needs of their partner will win over their loyalty and provide a sort of respite, breathing room, to ensure their partner will remain satisfied and find it beneficial to remain in the relationship. There are a number of concerns here. The motive to be this Superperson is selfish as it seeks to prevent possible abandonment. But…we cannot control another person’s decisions. No matter how perfect we are. We could check off every box of the desires our mate has. But if our partner is fighting their own family of origin concerns that leads to disconnect, efforts to be Super are futile. It is a hard lesson to learn. But it is worth further exploration with your therapist.

You Are Not Alone

As mentioned earlier a number of us have been conditioned to accept no less than our very best and very best means perfection. But as humans we cannot maintain that level of performance. Burnout is surely not far off if we continue to live up to a moving goal post or the ideal that we will sleep when we are dead. We all deserve rest and to feel as if we have control over the ugly beast of anxiety. Everyone feels inadequate at some point in their lives. But if you are constantly asking yourself whether or not you truly deserve what you have, the answer is yes. Yes, you deserve.

How Can I manage Imposter Syndrome

Aside from starting a group called Imposters Anonymous, Here are a few things I would suggest:

First up, Guided meditation. I found this amazing app, “Shine”. It was designed by BIPOC women and features a short daily and nightly guided medication. Best thing is, some of the best features are available without purchasing the premium version.

Second, I would suggest guided journaling. What’s that? Sort of like guided meditation with someone guiding you, but it is more interactive as you will use a writing utensil and paper to get things off your chest.

Last, but certainly not least. I would suggest signing up to see a therapist. Get help from a trained professional so that you can squash the bug that is Imposter Syndrome and fully enjoy the life you cultivated with the talents you have.

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Talk Soon,

Reketta